just when i think its just a chapter of my life..

whats next? that is the question that has been playing in my mind lately. my 5-year-plan is coming to an end and ive crossed out most of it but yet i feel hollow. should i plan for my next 5 years or stay low and go with the flow? they say life`s a challenge but who/what am i challenging at? myself? what the fug for? why the fug for? in the end of the day, i am the one, the only one that is going to judge. at this very moment, i am ideally a catch but there is no one catching. im like a dog chasing my own tail, running in circles.. so eager for that bite and once i get it, there is no satisfaction but to let it go and wonder how long is this has to go on.

i so want to find my true self but dont want to know once im there. what difference does it make anymore? how many 5 years more i got to plan? how many 5 years im going to have?

im in a stage where i dont know where i belong, an outcast, in my own world. i love Malaysia but i dont want to be stuck here forever. im in love with Melbourne but do i belong there in the first place? i want to go around the world but how long is it going to take me to settle down? i want to settle down, have kids, spend quality time with my other half, cook for them, see my kids grow up.

where? when? how? who?

who am i going to turn to when im at a crossroad? what am i going to do? who is going to give me advise? is my every decision right? what if im wrong? who is going to be there in the end of the day and tell me "i told you so"?

if i had one wish.. i would like to have lunch with my dad. just lunch. just once. i would trade everything i have for this.

just when i thought there is no one left for me to cry over for.. as much as i hate to say this, at times i want to be so wrong and have someone to turn to. i know lifes never fair but why the fuck shits always happen on me? i am already struggling to survive being alone. its not fair you left me just like that and let me bear it all this by myself.. how much more i got to give in order to get back in return?

ive learn almost every damm thing the hard way.. for one fugken time, just once... please.. let me have all this and i`d die happily. its good to be emotional and break down once in a while.